I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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