all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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