I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Holy sore nipples Batman
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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