Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
