ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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