Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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