I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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