Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
