She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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