So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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