I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
