The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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