i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
