he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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