The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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