and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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