Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Is it because I queefed?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
