It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
