Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
