My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
