Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
