Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
