It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
pray to the hookup gods
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
