I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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