Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Vodka?
Forever.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
