I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
