"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
