I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
