I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
