So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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