What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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