..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
