Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
