I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
