I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
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I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
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Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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