Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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