I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea