im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.