At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.