And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
