even my farts smell like vagina
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
