Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
