I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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