so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
