the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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