I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
