Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
