Only a mothe r could love this liver
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
