I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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