I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
