you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
