Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
