That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You're breaking my sexual little heart
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
