I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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