YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
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She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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