Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
