I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I intend to get homeless drunk
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
